Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
