for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
