omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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