I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
