I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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