I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
