she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
