i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
