If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I understand Curling. That high.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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