Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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