I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
