Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
