But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You pole danced in your parka.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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