When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
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