vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
