I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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