I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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