you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I smell like Dick and happiness
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
