Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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