we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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