is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
