So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
