i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
