I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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