Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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