Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
