Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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