Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
