I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
