I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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