My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
