YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
