So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
