I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize