We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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