I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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