She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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