you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
