Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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