i think i have two assholes
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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