remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
