i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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