i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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