oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize