I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
