I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
