You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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