We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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