I think I died a long time ago.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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