1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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