Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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