I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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