my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
