Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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