He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
