she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
