We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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