I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
