she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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