Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
