I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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