I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
